I'm 22.

What have I achieved in my life? Nothing.
How many things and/or people have I broken or shattered? Tons.

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I have been doing a lot of things some people would describe as a 'good' person would do. I never smoked. I never gamble for real money. I never killed an innocent life. I never robbed a bank, although I confess I had stolen a pack of Twisties from a shop once. I never cheat people, cause I know it is wrong and yet, I have been punished over and over again. One thing I know I did that I have been guilty for but ever since had stopped doing was - lying.

It all started when I was young. I used to like to tell lies because I thought I could get away with things. I used to lie to my parents about simplest of things, such as finishing candy which I'm not supposed to, spending money on unwanted or useless items and so forth. I still remember making a phone call to a televised game which requires you to input your moves through the keypad of the phone which caused the phone bill to be hefty. I was really foolish, but I was naive enough to let the television influence me, not like this has changed ...

I never knew about the negativity that lingers in the world because my parents had been doing one heck of a good job keeping me in a safe world. I am so foolish. I never once thought I could survive without them and the thought now returns to haunt me, for it is true.

I was a real newbie when it comes to technology, let alone gaming until I met a guy in secondary school. He started teaching me the 'joys' of playing games, that is when I started to play online games and got hooked to it. I was so hooked on games I spent my pocket money constantly going to the internet cafe to play these games as I do not own a PC capable of playing online games instead of beneficial things such as saving it for a rainy day on food or buying clothes and stuff. Perhaps, that was the biggest impact on my life in which had made me hate it all that much.

I was so keen on playing games, like an addict on a drug haul. I always played truant by skipping classes and going to these internet cafes to play games. Inevitably, I had been caught by my parents and yet I was still stubborn and addicted to playing these games, I defied their wishes. I am very foolish.

All these gaming issues caused me to slack in my studies. If I had not been introduced to these games, I would have been the studious student that I had had imagined to be. Although I would be labelled as a geek, my life would have been more meaningful, instead of what I am now. With that, I never scored good greats for my SPM and this not only disappoints me, but my parents as well. I am beyond foolish, an idiot.

Years have passed. Changes come, changes go. Although there are more changes to my life, I was still incapable of doing things right. I wanted to go into biotech studies for diploma as I was still keen on studying Biology and Chemistry eventhough I had crappy grades and even while being influenced by games, the wanting to learn still burns within me like a never ending flame. My dad could not afford my studies, thus I picked my second choice back then which I think was a stupid one. The only reason I picked IT was because I wanted to get a PC to play games, not very much because I wanted to learn about computing. Again, a real idiot and selfish one too.

What I wish to have taken instead was Journalism. I love writing more than anything, and I was a little too late to realise this when I was already half way into my diploma. I didn't want to waste my parent's hard earn money so I continued.

One of my biggest regret is that because of my addicition towards gaming caused me to do something so sinful, God himself will never forgive me for doing it. I hit my father, literally with my fist over the reason of playing games. I deeply regret how foolish I was. Because I was so keen on trying to 'achieve' something in games I actually fought with my father on that issue. He was hurt, partially bleeding in his left eye and it was all my fault. I can never ask for his forgiveness and even if he would, I could never accept it. As from that day onward, my relationship with my father had been severed. How could I have let something useless and meaningless as my addiction on games to cause my ties with my father to be so damaged? I am such an imbecile.

Studying soon became my lack of interest. When I advanced to degree before venturing to the working scenario, I had been playful. I never gave enough credit to the people who actually work hard for the degree they earned and I constantly have games up in my mind. With that, I never managed to finish assignments on time as I was too busy playing games instead of doing them. Something which I deeply regret as well. Why was I so consumed by addiction? My mistake. I suffered for it, the consequences that comes with my action.

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I know I haven't posted for awhile, there has been a lot of things that came up lately mainly my dad's passing, me spending money for online monetary currency and a minor car accident. Another proof of how much of an idiot I am that I can never pick the right choice and doing the right thing.

In conclusion, I have done so many mistakes in my life and being so optimistic as I had been is becoming such a daunting feeling to me. I just can't seem to do anything right, I just wish I was never born. Never having to cause my dad so much hardship, indifference and mostly, the severance our father-son relationship. Never caused my sister to be jealous of me because I was so pampered right until now. Never have to cause my mom to constantly cry and worry about me and my welfare. Never to cause any problems to the nice people I have met in my life.

There are so many more things I have done which were all mistakes that given the chance I would rectify, or better yet making sure I never actually exist to do so.

I just wish I was never born, but life is never this easy. Life, just depart from me now ...