Erhmm, yeah.

Well anyway, it seems I have been in denial for a lot of stuff lately, some may be under control while some just is just breaching the barrier.

My first denial would be ... acceptance. Acceptance. Why do I find it so hard to accept the fact that no matter what I try to do, I can never be recognised for what I have done, and what I am? Is it because I'm cocky? Is it because you, like every others ignore the little people? I like being a little people and I think I should not just change my ways completely to suit anyone, like I never tried to change anyone to see things my way, although I am persistently rebellious but I still come to the point where I know there is no way we can change someone just because we want them to. Is it so hard, for once, to acknowledge my existence?

Secondly, tolerance. I guess, I have been lying to myself. I tried to be a nice person and forego the so-called little things that makes the team to be a little out of shape. We are suppose to pull our weights together. All I see is myself and the vice leader to be doing freakin' loads of job. Heck, even the vice is doing more than me. Sure, 5 in a team, 2 of us pulling more weight, while the other 2 pull theirs, how about you? Are you pulling your weight enough? I don't think so.

Lastly, hoping. I keep hoping that I would be able to come back, to that part of my life where I can actually say that I felt like it was, a family, an ohana. But betrayal, politics and shit just tears all those dreams apart. Kudos, you just split my SPD into essentially 2 poles of oppositions and I keep debating with myself, being caught in limbo.

Another emo post from Hakenden.