Maybe it was just a small action, maybe it was a small mistake, but it ended up with dire consequences ... Maybe I should not have played along to what had happened last night, maybe, just maybe I thought I took the correct actions ... No.

It is high time everyone knew of all the mistakes in my life (family issue). I do have to warn you, it is long and the outcome of reading this will turn your perceptions about me, but I really could not care. To tell you what happened last night, I have to tell you everything that had brought me to where I am now.

It all started at the age of 1 or 2, I was at the beach with my parents (God knows which beach I was on), playing with the sand beneath my feet just nearby the tides of the sea. Okay, so I am 1 or 2 years old, I have no idea what drowning is and why did the water had come on over to my feet and swept me in with a small tide. I never knew how much neglect there was when I was little, until now. Maybe, this explains why I can't, and won't learn to swim.

The next tragedy happened when I was 7, the time where everyone has to go through some sort of immaturity and we do not think like an adult, still. I was not sure what I did that was considered to be bad and defiant, I was then struck by my dad with a plastic chair in my grandma's house. The foot of the chair stayed on my left feet until I was around 15 years old. I know I did something wrong, but at 7, did I deserved this? The problem is, the scar that was left behind that hurt me most wasn't the physical scar, but the one in my heart. Why on Earth do I still remember this if it doesn't hurt me?

The next was when I was 15. I had been influenced to play games by my friends and go on to cyber cafes to play hooky or just neglecting studies. This was definitely a mistake which started by my own actions and yes, I did not mind taking the punishment seeing I was wrong. I was just lucky enough to think for myself that it was a mistake, but I was not smart enough to think how big of an impact this action will affect my future.

17, the year where most Malaysians have to face the dreaded examination - SPM. Although it was of such importance, I still have a little negligence towards studying. Why? I was too involved in games. Yes, I did study, but it was not enough. My parents again find this as a disappointment, but they themselves do not know how much of pain and disappointment I had felt when I took the certificate and watching my own failure, no one does.

At 18, the gaming lust still hangs on. This was not good as it sparked a brutal incident between me and my dad. I know he did it for the sake of my studies and trying to teach me that studying now is more important. Due to that, he had done something which puts me to my limit. Halfway through the game where it was very very important, he had turned my modem off. That was the last draw and my fist was flying towards him. He retaliated, but was not as much as I did. He was hurt in the eye, thanks to me. I was chased outside of my house and I really wanted to run away and just give up this shit of a life I'm having. No doubt it was my fault, but the outcome from this turned out to be a mutual understanding, but it was such a shame that I had to resort to violence.

From that day onward, I had became more rebellious than ever. This would explain why I was more open to swearing and had devious intentions on people. Maybe, after all these years of bearing this pain and keeping it all to myself had caused my dark side to prevail.

Then it happened yesterday. I used Sabrina's iPod without her permission, then she burst into an angry notion saying "Even if I'm your sister, if you took it without my permission it's still stealing. I will call the police and report as if this was a real crime!". Again, I was not in the best of my moods and I already placed dire hatred on her ever since I was 17. Everyone is always envious about her, asking when she'll be home from Singapore and always overshadowing me for my utter 'failure'. I've always been silent when all my mother's sisters (my aunts) always flattered about how good she is. I just kept it all inside, ignoring every shit and comparison I get from them. Why? Because I am your fucking brother for crying out loud!

Then she went on to say "I have friends in the police department ..." and all that fuck shit that I don't give two shit about as I have already heard her bitching over this shit a couple of times. Stop fucking talk big you cock ass. Just cause people like you doesn't mean you have to cock shit to me bitch.

That totally broke my sanity and I retaliated by "You know what, I understand whatever you have said but I don't care whatever shit you're saying". Maybe what I had said made it worst, maybe it wasn't. But I couldn't stand her being the bitch queen and kept putting me down anymore. And that stupid line triggered her to become all bitch-like. She started to ask me back for the stuff she gave me, and she started saying even if I do stay in the new house it was hers and she could kick me out anytime when my parents won't.

So I did. I return all her shit - the handphone, the cologne and the bag. She continued to bitch on how she knows my college department and would ask them to reject my loans and not making me able to study for it. When I went down to get the fucking phone to give it back to the bitch, my dad blamed my mother (which I have no reason why) that this happened because of her. Then my mom had an arguement with him. Then my dad came down and shouted at me "See, this is all your fault!" and sat downstairs and watched his footie. I went up, just forcefully put the fucking phone on her palm and head into my room.

My mom broke down and started crying after watching the whole incident, and after the fight with my dad. My dad came up when she kept saying "I feel like dying" in hokkien. My dad and my sis went to console her and they made confessions. I may be in my room but I heard everything that they said. I cried listening to them as it was the truth, but I had no chance to say anything cause I didn't want to. They kept saying how much they tried to put up with me, but have they even heard my side of the story? No. They always lived in the world of assumptions, thinking this, thinking that.

Haven't I proven enough that I am not the bad kid in the family? I don't smoke. I don't fucking gamble. I don't fucking drink or do anymore shit that you fucking little minds would perceive me to. I am tired of convincing this. I am tired of trying to prove you guys wrong. Sadly, even if you are wrong, I'm not gonna tell you.

I'm sick of living this fucking life. I wish I could just die, but it ain't that easy. If I only I could get over the fear and pain of the process of dying. If only I was not even born in this world.