Maybe it was just a small action, maybe it was a small mistake, but it ended up with dire consequences ... Maybe I should not have played along to what had happened last night, maybe, just maybe I thought I took the correct actions ... No.

It is high time everyone knew of all the mistakes in my life (family issue). I do have to warn you, it is long and the outcome of reading this will turn your perceptions about me, but I really could not care. To tell you what happened last night, I have to tell you everything that had brought me to where I am now.

It all started at the age of 1 or 2, I was at the beach with my parents (God knows which beach I was on), playing with the sand beneath my feet just nearby the tides of the sea. Okay, so I am 1 or 2 years old, I have no idea what drowning is and why did the water had come on over to my feet and swept me in with a small tide. I never knew how much neglect there was when I was little, until now. Maybe, this explains why I can't, and won't learn to swim.

The next tragedy happened when I was 7, the time where everyone has to go through some sort of immaturity and we do not think like an adult, still. I was not sure what I did that was considered to be bad and defiant, I was then struck by my dad with a plastic chair in my grandma's house. The foot of the chair stayed on my left feet until I was around 15 years old. I know I did something wrong, but at 7, did I deserved this? The problem is, the scar that was left behind that hurt me most wasn't the physical scar, but the one in my heart. Why on Earth do I still remember this if it doesn't hurt me?

The next was when I was 15. I had been influenced to play games by my friends and go on to cyber cafes to play hooky or just neglecting studies. This was definitely a mistake which started by my own actions and yes, I did not mind taking the punishment seeing I was wrong. I was just lucky enough to think for myself that it was a mistake, but I was not smart enough to think how big of an impact this action will affect my future.

17, the year where most Malaysians have to face the dreaded examination - SPM. Although it was of such importance, I still have a little negligence towards studying. Why? I was too involved in games. Yes, I did study, but it was not enough. My parents again find this as a disappointment, but they themselves do not know how much of pain and disappointment I had felt when I took the certificate and watching my own failure, no one does.

At 18, the gaming lust still hangs on. This was not good as it sparked a brutal incident between me and my dad. I know he did it for the sake of my studies and trying to teach me that studying now is more important. Due to that, he had done something which puts me to my limit. Halfway through the game where it was very very important, he had turned my modem off. That was the last draw and my fist was flying towards him. He retaliated, but was not as much as I did. He was hurt in the eye, thanks to me. I was chased outside of my house and I really wanted to run away and just give up this shit of a life I'm having. No doubt it was my fault, but the outcome from this turned out to be a mutual understanding, but it was such a shame that I had to resort to violence.

From that day onward, I had became more rebellious than ever. This would explain why I was more open to swearing and had devious intentions on people. Maybe, after all these years of bearing this pain and keeping it all to myself had caused my dark side to prevail.

Then it happened yesterday. I used Sabrina's iPod without her permission, then she burst into an angry notion saying "Even if I'm your sister, if you took it without my permission it's still stealing. I will call the police and report as if this was a real crime!". Again, I was not in the best of my moods and I already placed dire hatred on her ever since I was 17. Everyone is always envious about her, asking when she'll be home from Singapore and always overshadowing me for my utter 'failure'. I've always been silent when all my mother's sisters (my aunts) always flattered about how good she is. I just kept it all inside, ignoring every shit and comparison I get from them. Why? Because I am your fucking brother for crying out loud!

Then she went on to say "I have friends in the police department ..." and all that fuck shit that I don't give two shit about as I have already heard her bitching over this shit a couple of times. Stop fucking talk big you cock ass. Just cause people like you doesn't mean you have to cock shit to me bitch.

That totally broke my sanity and I retaliated by "You know what, I understand whatever you have said but I don't care whatever shit you're saying". Maybe what I had said made it worst, maybe it wasn't. But I couldn't stand her being the bitch queen and kept putting me down anymore. And that stupid line triggered her to become all bitch-like. She started to ask me back for the stuff she gave me, and she started saying even if I do stay in the new house it was hers and she could kick me out anytime when my parents won't.

So I did. I return all her shit - the handphone, the cologne and the bag. She continued to bitch on how she knows my college department and would ask them to reject my loans and not making me able to study for it. When I went down to get the fucking phone to give it back to the bitch, my dad blamed my mother (which I have no reason why) that this happened because of her. Then my mom had an arguement with him. Then my dad came down and shouted at me "See, this is all your fault!" and sat downstairs and watched his footie. I went up, just forcefully put the fucking phone on her palm and head into my room.

My mom broke down and started crying after watching the whole incident, and after the fight with my dad. My dad came up when she kept saying "I feel like dying" in hokkien. My dad and my sis went to console her and they made confessions. I may be in my room but I heard everything that they said. I cried listening to them as it was the truth, but I had no chance to say anything cause I didn't want to. They kept saying how much they tried to put up with me, but have they even heard my side of the story? No. They always lived in the world of assumptions, thinking this, thinking that.

Haven't I proven enough that I am not the bad kid in the family? I don't smoke. I don't fucking gamble. I don't fucking drink or do anymore shit that you fucking little minds would perceive me to. I am tired of convincing this. I am tired of trying to prove you guys wrong. Sadly, even if you are wrong, I'm not gonna tell you.

I'm sick of living this fucking life. I wish I could just die, but it ain't that easy. If I only I could get over the fear and pain of the process of dying. If only I was not even born in this world.

To all my fellow friends who loves forumming, spamming and blogging, this is a community I would like to introduce you guys to:

The Red Tide forum

It may be small, but everyone counts :)

Make it livelier, show that you care xD

As title mentioned, yes, I passed that freakin' song!

That was like the first time I have ever did it, and as skeptical as I was, I kept rubbing my eyes and pinched myself to see if this was a dream.

Yeah I know, a level 48 o2jammer like myself would have already been able to complete Electro Fantasy HD at EX, but I'm not your every day pro yea know.

So, this is it, my finest hour, my glory that is, a complete!


At last, one of my few must-complete-song list has been cleared with this achievement. Yay~

As the irony goes, I play a game outside of Blueserver and yet people from it knows who I am. With tragic fate, I come across a few that knows my identity. But again I must stress that I am never returning to the innards of Blueserver and its management.

O2Jam for life!

2 days after our final paper, we went on a road trip to Malacca.

Head count!! There was me, Daniel, Kenn, Yan Yan, Boon Yean, Jimmy, Elvis, In Ming, Chunn Khye and not forgetting our star attraction, Wei Yiaw.

2 cars were used to get to Malacca (you don't expect us to walk to Malacca, do you? :P) and the drivers were Jimmy and Wei Yiaw. Wei Yiaw led the troop with me, Daniel, Kenn and Elvis accompanying him in his car. Jimmy led the 2 audacious gals, In Ming and Chunn Khye in his fleet.

The trip was, of course, drowsy. Not to say that the company in the car were boring, it was just that somehow, sitting in a car longer than 10 minutes tend to make me sleepy ...

Anyhow, we got to Malacca on Saturday afternoon and checked into the hotel. At first glance on the outside, I was like "WTF? This crappy old thing?" as the walls were staining of the sign of aging, maybe they needed a new paint job but hey, it bares a symbolic resemblance to a haunted building. Then, when we walked into the lobby of the resort, right before I walked in the door, the view of the inside changed my perception of the place.

It was breathtaking, the view of the pool from the inside (okay, seeing through from the outside to see what was on the other side, which was outside, lol). It captivated me for 5.379 seconds, but I was really happy the place did not turn out too badly.

We checked into 2 rooms, one which was larger than the other. I happened to step foot into the larger one, which was of course, extremely good. I see beds, I see lovely lovely beds! (Yeah, I was still tired lol). I lay on the bed for a few moments to rest up, besides, it only took me 2 minutes anyway, lol. The room beside us had water leakage problem, which made us think of the one and only horror show that was symbolic to this, Dark Water lol. But honestly, the water started to cause a bulge at the door which looks really swollen, as if the wood was exposed to a long period of hydration, which totally spooked me.

The girls made their way to this room seeing the other room could not fit them. As usual, I don't mind giving up those lovely, lovely beds :x and slept on the sofa (which was rather comfortable, by my standards @@).

After leaving our luggage at the hotel, we made ourselves to Jonker Street. Jimmy's friend who happened to be a Malaccan resident lead us there (honestly, you don't expect us to know how to get there by ourselves, lol). It was a revisit to this place again for me since about 7 to 8 years ago. We just had to try the chicken rice ball, as it was one of Malacca's specialty. Soon after, we had cendol, only for the reason of tasting gula Melaka, or 'black sugar'.

After having quite a scrumptious meal, we head back to the hotel and rest up for a little bit. Then we decided to head for a dip in the pool, which was short lived as the rain came pouring down like a blitz of scatter shots.

It was nightfall, and again, it was time for us to dine. We wanted to try Malacca's heritage, nyonya cuisine at first, but then Yan Yan knew a restaurant which had really good food at Jonker Street, but unfornunately, it had closed. I mean, 9.30 p.m. and it was closed? LOL?

This brought us to the option of exploring the night market along the street, which was packed with tons of food stalls. We tried a few things, such as a sausage on a stick, coated with a flavouring of choice (how interesting :)) and a 'Pun cai ko'(I don't really know how to translate this) which was a small disc-like gelatinous thingy, which tasted fine. Then, I found a stall that sold glasses, and yes, that was one of the things on the list which I wanted to get ever since 2 years back. When I asked for the price at first, which cost 15 bucks per pair, it made me look at my already empty wallet. I bitterly said goodbye to that gorgeous glasses.

Later, we head to a small shop which sold a numerous variety of actual meals, which I then ordered a bowl of Tom Yam Seafood Noodle (pricey >_<) for 5 bucks. As some of us had finished our meal, we took this time to explore more of what the night market have in store for us. At this time, I changed my mind and made my way back to the stall that was selling those glasses. I just had to have them, and there goes my 15 bucks.

As we drew to a conclusion to head back to the hotel (after each of us purchasing at least something, lol), we decided to head to a bistro. The funny thing was, we were so eagerly wanting to get in, but we were so undressed for the occasion. I was quite reluctant to get in at first, but who cares, these kind of things don't just come across everyday. We decided to enjoy ourselves and let nothing stand in our way of that, but then, we chose not to go in seeing the place was having pricey liquor (too bad =/).

We decided to go to a nearby 7-eleven to get some hard stuff and some snacks which we then crack open at the hotel to celebrate our moment of togetherness. Of course, I could not afford it even if the price has been reduced to an affordable state, I was broke and all I did was bought a bottle of 100-plus (geez ...) and a packet of Twisties.

We then head back, had a party in the larger room, of course. The party was abruptly interrupted by the sudden appearance of a birthday cake to celebrate Daniel's belated birthday. Actually, we knew it before hand, we just wanted to catch Daniel off-guard and it did the trick, and fortunately for us, it went well. We then watched a horror flick on TV called 'An American Haunting', which got me up all night as it gave me a fright when I wanted to head for bed, but my fatigue kicked in just right and I was off in slumber land once more.

The next morning, we had breakfast, complimentary of the hotel, which actually was available for 4 people only. As sly as we were, we snucked in when no one was aware of it, and made the 4 free meals into 10, lol. The food was not bad, but it was going really fast. I only had a small taste of the nasi lemak and some hash browns, oh, and not forgetting some bakery stuff.

As we all finished our breakfast, we packed our stuff and checked out of the hotel. It was brief, but it was enjoyable. As we checked out, our next destination was the A'Famosa Water Park. As expected, this was a theme park that has the theme going. It had numerous water rides, but when it comes to land rides, they have zip. As always, I wanted to go for the super-scary rides, but back then, I never had the guts to do it, but it was like a moment of truth, our last time for us to be together, why not make it memorable?

We tried different rides, and then we spotted the ultimate one. The super dive, or its original name 'High Speed'. Of course, the girls did not join us (as to the reason why, well, let's just say they have their reasons). So, most of the boys went for the high and fast plunge down that slide, and I had to take off my shirt (OH GOD!). I was a little afraid at first, but then again, my randomness kicked in and made me dive down that chute. It was not scary at first, but when it started to plunge at first, it got my heart racing. Then, when I got out of the covered chute, I was like 'Why can't I feel anything under me?'. I was like OMG! as I felt like I was floating in mid-air, then I plunged into the opened chute with all the water splashing into my eyes, which did calm me down (if my eyes were opened while I plunged, I think I might faint). As I made my descent, I was like overwhelmed. I did an extreme ride and I was thoroughly enjoying it. Wei Yiaw and Kenn went in before I did and I was expecting Elvis to do the same, but he didn't, oh well.

After finishing those rides, we had our meal, not considered a lunch, but not a tea break either. The food was okay, after all, we paid like 12 bucks for it ...

We then dried up, packed our stuff and head back to our respective cars to drive home. We bid Malacca farewell and got back on our journey to continue the rest of the chapter in our lives as KDU students, diploma students.

It was an experience like no other, and I was thankful to have experienced it with my true friends, will miss you guys lots, and hope we will meet up again someday.

So, the time has come for all the doors to close, and perhaps new doors of opportunity to open.

I was kind of bumped out by my performance in OOP, which becomes a major factor that scrutinized my judgment to actually study up for SDD, but the very least, I forced myself to study even the slightest part of the subject.

It did paid off, but not to a satisfactory level. The paper had its ups and downs, some were as easy as baking a pie, and the rest was like holy shit!

No doubt I knew it would be a disastrous outcome (my grades) for this here subject, I still put aside that, and embraced what was, the ultimate freedom.

As always, we hit the karaoke stand for another 'pain relieve' session where we blared out our pain and stress, which in a weird way, does help soothe the aching head of the matters that seem to bother us.

All in all, the day went well with a happy ending, just like from the fairy tales. As to where we go from here, only God knows.

Wishing all my college mates a good career in the future, and don't forget what was, and what have been :)

Hakenden.

Well, it was my third day and but with most of the other times that I have felt the re occurrence of sloth and laziness, I did not take much initiative to study.

Forcefully, I had made a big mistake neglecting them and it really pisses me off. It was hard enough trying to stay away, but getting closer to it was so much harder than I thought.

With much doubts, I slept another night with the lingering guilt that I cannot seem to get my mind off. The next day, I woke up abruptly from my dad's call.

It was like, 1p.m. CRAP! I forgot to set my darn alarm! It was like 1 hour till my tragic fate with the exam. I rushed to shower and went for my college as soon as I could, along the way I had my brunch (sort of). I took this small opportunity to read my Java book just to clear my guilt.

I got into the hall at about 2p.m. I managed to arrive in the nick of time. Taking my seat, I slowly browse through the paper. As expected, the number of codes that were needed to type were abundant ...

I aced the theory as I am taking this exam, for the SECOND time. The UML diagram translation was not much of a problem, but the internal coding was really ****ed up.

No turning back. No regrets. Just go for it, that was what my inner sanity was telling me.

With that, I exit the hall, praying that this would all go well, for tomorrow will be the ultimatum ...

Hakster